Tir Na Nog

¿Quién en el espejo?

2010-11-20T13:50:00.002-06:00

Me miro en el espejo y me desconozco. El rostro que el reflejo dice que es mío no lo siento como tal. ¿Qué dicen esos ojos ambiguos que se pierden en la vacuidad? No me dicen nada, no me ven. ¿Qué secretos han contado esos tristes labios? Nada dicen, nada tocan. No sienten las palabras salir del corazón, ni sienten otros labios hablar al corazón. ¿Qué han escuchado esos oídos silenciosos? Blasfemias del ego y perdones inotorgables. Son filtros del cariño que desaparecen entre el ruido.

¿A quién veo? ¿Quién es ésa que dice ser yo? ¿Es mi alma... o es mi cuerpo? ¿O es la usurpación de mi ser? ¿Es amiga o enemiga?

Extiendo mi mano para sentir que es real, pero es frío... el espejo. No soy yo. No es ella. No es yo. No soy ella. ¿Quién es ella?... ¿Quién soy yo? ¿Dónde quedé... o dónde me perdí? Si me busco en el espejo, no me encuentro. Si no me busco, me enajeno. Eso, ajena. Ajena de mí, ajena de todos. Perdida... no encontrada... no buscada. Y en el espejo, ¿quién está?

La Tierra no es redonda

2010-10-14T11:20:00.002-05:00

Para nosotros, seres humanos herederos de la ciencia y la tecnología, es un dogma de fe que la Tierra sea redonda. Desde bebés nos presentan modelos redondos de nuestro planeta; cuando estamos en edad escolar nos instruyen una y otra vez el mismo concepto de su forma redonda; cuando somos adolescentes, en el torbellino de rebeldía queremos buscarle las esquinas, pero finalmente crecemos y aceptamos nuevamente que el planeta es redondo.

Que si se mueve, que si no se mueve, que si gira alrededor del Sol, que si el es Sol el que gira alrededor de ella, que si es el tercer cuerpo planetario desde el Sol, que si es dos tercios de agua y uno de tierra (lo que por cierto, debería darle el nombre de Planeta Agua y no Planeta Tierra)... en fin, como sea siempre es redonda.

Sin embargo, hay ideas que nos demuestran lo contrario. Cuando pensamos en el cielo, ¿pensamos en "arriba" o en "abajo"? En la primera, ¿cierto? Pues bien, si el mundo fuera redondo también habría cielo debajo de nosotros. Sí, muy debajo, pero debajo al fin. Cuando decimos que fuimos hasta lo más lejano que existe, ¿no decimos acaso "hasta los confines de la Tierra"? Ergo, el planeta se acaba en algún punto. Si estamos en un páramo desierto y caminamos en una misma dirección, ¿sentimos la curva de la superficie? No, sentimos un terreno plano. Cuando estamos en la playa y vemos el horizonte, sabemos que el mar y el cielo siguen, pero nunca los vemos curvarse.

Por otro lado, sabemos bien que nuestra antípoda es la India, pero en las historias tradicionales cuando alguien cava un agujero hasta llegar al otro lado, ¿a dónde llega? En algunos casos a Australia y en otros a China. ¿Qué indica esto? Que nuestro planeta puede ser deforme, pero no redondo.

Ahora bien, me dirá usted, estimado lector, que la ciencia (esa nueva religión que se esmera en derribar a sus antecesoras) ha probado y comprobado que la Tierra es redonda. Sí, con imágenes que nos dicen que las tomó un satélite súper avanzado que jamás hemos visto. O si lo hemos hecho, ha sido a través de otras imágenes que nos han transmitido ellos mismos. Me dirá también que un ilustrísimo científico ha estudiado toda su vida para corroborar este hecho, pero para obtener tal reconocimiento los años tendrían que haber pasado ya por encima de él, ¿qué nos dice entonces que en su venerable ancianidad no padece demencia senil?

Con todo esto, apreciable lector, ¿se atrevería a decir que hay una manera en que el simple, sencillo y lego ser humano podria, sólo con su experiencia, afirmar que la Tierra es redonda? Yo lo dudo. Para nosotros, los no estudiosos de la ciencia, la forma de nuestro planeta continúa siendo un misterio. Incluso, aunque tuviera yo las bases y los fundamentos científicos, no afirmaría que es redonda... en todo caso, sería esférica.

¿Sé lo que quiero o quiero lo que sé?

2010-09-27T19:29:00.004-05:00

Hoy me sentí tan segura al describir lo que quiero para mí dentro de diez años: vivir en el viejo continente, estudiar mi maestría o un doctorado, tener un buen empleo como traductora o en el área editorial, tener familia (si logro cumplir el primer paso)... Pero ¿cómo puedo saber que quiero eso en diez años si ahorita no sé lo que quiero? Es como si alguien que no ha nacido quisiera morirse. Sin sentido.

Me gusta pensar que ese será mi futuro y que estoy luchando por ello, pero no estoy segura de si lo pienso porque lo quiero o lo quiero porque alguna vez lo pensé. Creo que no es el plan de nadie más, es decir, no es un plan que alguien más me haya impuesto (al menos no en su totalidad, o no de manera explícita), pero la creencia no es seguridad.

Por otro lado, quizás me esté preocupando demasiado por algo tan improbable como probable. Nada hay escrito que sustente que mañana estaré viva aún, incluso en unas horas puede ocurrir una catástrofe y mi existencia verse truncada. No puedo saber nada de eso, sin embargo, me entusiasma la idea de ver mi plan cumplido.

¡Bah! Quizás sigo enfrascada en mi mente romántica, evadiendo a toda costa la realidad de mi inestable existencia. Es más bello pensar que todo estará bien, que esforzarse para lograr que todo esté bien. Es más fácil pensar lo que se quiere a futuro, cuando todo es tan incierto y está sujeto a circunstancias desconocidas, que planear lo que se hará con lo que se tiene en el "ahora". Mientras más lejos esté de nosotros, más hermoso y sencillo es. Y creo que esto puede aplicar en aspectos muy disímiles de la vida.

No obstante, me quedaré con mi plan de fantasía, y si todo sale bien, voltearé a verme en mi pasado, soñando con lo que entonces será mi presente. Insisto, es más bonito que pensar en lo que tengo que hacer mañana.

So life spins (o las vueltas de la vida)

2010-09-25T14:34:00.003-05:00

"Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid of only standing still."

Proverbio chino

Años hace que no recorro estos parajes de letras que tanto ayudaban a sanar mi alma y a dispersar mi mente. Lo extraño. Lo extraño porque sentía que mi interior se esparcía en este espacio y podía verlo y analizarlo desde fuera. Lo extraño porque creo que no era mala en esto. Lo extraño porque, sabiendo o sin saber de mis lectores, creía que los tenía y eso me daba fuerza para seguir. Lo extraño porque cuando lo abandoné fue cuando me abandoné a mí misma.

La vida avanza y no se detiene, nunca, por ninguna razón. Si lo hiciera, el universo caería a pedazos sobre nosotros. Si no hay movimiento, no hay nada. Y eso me sucedió a mí. Me detuve y fui nada. El mundo seguía su curso, pero yo ya no estaba en él. Me tiré en el suelo a verlo pasar sobre mí, sin intención de asirme a él para avanzar. Ese abandono es lo peor que puede haber en este mundo: dejar de querer ser. Me traicioné, me rechacé, me ignoré, me dejé caer en el limbo de la inexistencia, que no la muerte. Me abandoné, y fui nada.

Para mí, el placer había terminado, sólo quedaba la tortura. Los latigazos de indiferencia siempre duelen, pero cuando provienen de uno mismo, abrasan, carcomen, desgarran. Sufrí porque me hice sufrir; me castigué no porque yo tuviera la culpa, sino porque era la culpa misma.

El mundo se cansó de pasar sobre mí y me dio un ultimátum: o me unía a él para moverme, o no volvería a pasar. Lo dudé, aun cuando eso significaba perder la oportunidad. Finalmente, decidí unirme. Volver al mundo, volver a la vida, volver a movimiento. Aún no corro, con dificultad camino, pero ya no estoy estática. Por eso es que vuelvo a este paraje. Vuelvo a crear un oasis en este desierto. Vuelvo, porque lo necesito. Vuelvo, porque volví a mí misma. Vuelvo, porque la vida da vueltas.

Carta de los mil amores (primera parte)

2010-09-23T20:40:00.005-05:00

Después de tres años sin publicación alguna, decido compartir esto a quien sea que tenga interés en leerlo. Un relato epistolar de mi vida amorosa.

Querido JPI: contigo todo fue nuevo, desde la pregunta que con tanta timidez me hiciste hasta la tímida respuesta que yo te di. No sabíamos cómo tratarnos, cómo ser más que amigos. Podría parecer que fue una relación tan corta que no tuvo importancia, pero para mí ha sido de las principales porque fue la primera, porque eso ha sido único. Para ser sincera, extraño esas épocas en que hablábamos desde que volvíamos de la escuela hasta que a alguno de los dos lo corrían de la computadora. Horas de conversación interminable. De buena plática y buen humor. Espero volver a verte pronto y que podamos platicar como lo hacíamos antes.

Querido AL: fuiste el primer hombre que me gustó (casi) desde que lo vi, y el primero que me fue recíproco. Esos toques discretos y esas miradas conspiratorias, esas sonrisass compartidas y ese sentimiento alrededor. Sé que en la primera ocasión fui muy dura contigo por no ser perfecto, pero siempre tuviste (y quizás sigas teniendo) algo que me llama la atención y que me hace desear tu cercanía. Tuvimos varias etapas en nuestra relación intermitente y cada una de ellas fue muy diferente pero igualmente especial. Mi primer beso fue contigo, lo recuerdo perfectamente, en el cine después del golfito, fue casi como un secreto nuestro que no queríamos compartir con nadie. Me abriste las puertas a un mundo que ha llenado mi vida de alegrías, tristezas y misterios, que me ha ayudado a completar mi existencia. Gracias por ser ese primero, gracias por fijarte en mí y gracias por ese amor que siempre sentí de tu parte. Quizás la vida haga que nuestros caminos se crucen en algún momento.

Querido Y: tú eras un adulto cuando yo aún no lo era. Me mostraste cosas que nadie más podría haberlo hecho. Quizás sacrifiqué mucho por ti, porque hasta cierto punto te temía. Sentía que era vulnerable ante ti. Tu imagen de chico sexy malo era muy provocadora, tus perforaciones y tu manera de vestir. Pasaste de tenerme un gran respeto hasta hacerme sentir miserable. Pasamos buenos ratos, vagando por la ciudad; yo, yendo hasta tu casa y tú, acompañándome a... mi parada de camión. Fuiste un amor secreto, escondido y, para muchos, desconocido. Me presentaste a tus padres, los míos ni siquiera supieron de tu existencia. Algo de ti me avergonzaba, y al parecer al final tuve razón. Fuiste una parte complicada de mi vida pero no podré nunca negar que aprendí mucho contigo. Lo más probable es que nunca más te vuelva a ver ni sepa nada de ti, pero en mi pasado, no negaré que estuviste.

Querido CM: fuiste mi primera relación en verdad duradera y hasta cierto punto estable. Me maravilló la admiración que tenías por mí, claro, sólo al principio. El inicio fue un poco atropellado pero poco a poco nos estabilizamos... hasta llegar a perder completamente el equilibrio. Fue una relaación muy completa. Ambos sacrificamos mucho y cedimos ante el otro. Fue muy divertido e interesante. Tu inteligencia me gustaba, tu mirada me enamoraba. Pero tu egocentrismo y mi enfermedad se contrapusieron y no soportamos la lucha. Había cosas de ti que me enloquecían de gusto y otras que me enloquecían de desagrado. Detalles tan hermosos que tuviste conmigo y momentos de suma desconsideración. Éramos el uno para el otro una caja de tesoros y sorpresas. Al principio, el asombro nos anonadó y todo nos gustaba, pero conforme indgamos más fuimos viendo las fallas y los opuestos irreconciliables. Fue un camino de avance, desvío y retroceso, pero un buen camino al fin. Lamentablemente, la última vez que te vi no me significaste nada, así que si nos encontramos serás como un mero conocido para mí.

Querido MFG: estuviste a punto de convertirte en mi esposo, en mi compañero de vida, al lado de quien estaría hasta la muerte. Quizás no oficialmente, pero estuvimos comprometidos; al menos, comprometidos a comprometernos. La relación más completa y más bella que he tenido. Eras el hombre que siempre quise para mí, mi príncipe azul. Éramos equitativos, complementarios, no más uno que el otro. Contigo me desarrollé, maduré, crecí y aprendí tantas cosas de la vida que jamás olvidaré. Para mí no había nadie mejor que tú, y tú no querías a otra mujer, sino a mí. Para todos, éramos la pareja perfecta. Y lo fuimos. Nunca nos acostumbramos a tenernos, siempre nos disfrutamos. Supimos comunicarnos, incluso cuando aceptamos que ya no podíamos entendernos. Íbamos por el mismo camino hasta que ambos perdimos el suelo y caímos a distintos abismos, solos en oscuridades separadas. Fuiste maravilloso en todo sentido y disfruté mi relación como nunca he disfrutado otra, y como espero disfrutar otra en un futuro. Ya no sé si quedamos en buenos términos o no, porque me parece que tú ya quieres borrar todo recuerdo de mí, así que quizás te vea o quizás ya no. Te deseo que encuentres tu camino y aprendas que no tienes por qué estar solo en la vida.

Un buen chiste

2007-04-21T14:45:00.000-05:00

Mis estimados lector y medio, no sé si a ustedes les parezca un buen chiste, pero a mí me gustó mucho y eso basta para ponerlo en una "entrada" de mi desangelado blog. Ojalá les parezca por lo menos nuevo; si se ríen o no, ya será cuestión de ánimos y tal vez un poco de suerte.

Se encontraban en años ya muy remotos, el polémico Galileo Galilei, el sabio Johannes Kepler y el creativo William Shakespeare. Todos de distintas nacionalidades pero con un lenguaje en común para comunicarse (no tengo idea cuál haya sido). Estaban los tres personajes observando detenidamente un poste (dudo que haya sido de luz aunque es lo primero que llegó a mi mente, disculpen ustedes mi intromisión tecnológica) ideando cuál sería la forma de averigüar la altura de dicho objeto. Entonces una brillante idea surge de la mente de Galileo: de un bolsillo saca una impresionante (para aquélla época) cinta métrica, la estira y la dirige hacia lo alto del poste. Habría sido una brillante idea si la gravedad no hubiera hecho de las suyas doblando la cinta e impidiendo al genio obtener la medida. Por su parte, Kepler se encontraba haciendo múltiples y complicadas operaciones aritméticas y algebraicas para obtener la altura del poste mediante la sombra que éste reflejaba en el suelo. No obstante, sus conocimientos no fueron suficientes puesto que ningún resultado apareció de todo ello. Mientras ellos hacían lo suyo, Shakespeare observaba a sus contemporáneos y sin decirles nada tomó una sierra y cortó el poste. Una vez que este hubo caído, tomó la cinta de Galileo y les dio la medida exacta del poste.
Ante tal acontecimiento inesperado, el buen Galileo exclamó: ¡Tenía que ser de letras, le pedimos la altura y nos da la distancia!...

Y así, mis estimados, termina el buen chiste. Hasta pronto.

Por favor...

2007-04-15T20:11:00.000-05:00

Favor de guardar silencio
Favor de no fumar
Favor de mantener las piernas y los brazos dentro del vehículo
Favor de mantener la puerta cerrada
Favor de no tocar
Favor de cuidar a sus mascotas
Favor de cuidar a sus hijos
Favor de tocar el timbre para entrar
Favor de registrarse
Favor de apagar sus teléfonos celulares
Favor de esperar
Favor de entrar sin alimentos ni bebidas
Favor de no subirse
Favor de no sentarse
Favor de no gritar
Favor de no alimentar a los animales
Favor de ordenar en caja
Favor de no molestar
Favor de no entrar
Favor de echar el papel en el bote
Favor de no tirar basura
Favor de no pisar el pasto
Favor de cuidar las plantas
Favor de bajar por atrás
Favor de recorrerse
Favor de mantener la calma
Favor de no estacionarse
FAVOR DE AMAR

Confesión

2007-03-23T12:10:00.000-06:00

El título puede resultar bastante estúpido ya que mis dos casuales lectores han escuchado esta perorata en anteriores ocasiones. Pero en fin, esta es una nueva perspectiva, bueno en lugar de estar de frente está como a 20 grados a la izquierda. No es mucho pero es algo.

Es común que la gente cante "en la ducha" (lo escribo así porque siento que va con el contexto, además me gusta la palabra "ducha": es simple, concisa y su significado es sencillo, sin referentes extraños), pero no sé que tan común sea que la gente escriba durante esa misma actividad. Bueno, no escribir literalmente, sino redactar cosas en la mente. Pues a mí me sucede diario (porque me baño diario jeje) pero llega a ser sumamente decepcionante que al no poder transcribir mis textos mentales inmediatamente, se me olvidan a los pocos minutos y ya no salen a la luz, por lo menos no con la misma redacción de la bañera.

Bueno, con todo esto quiero llegar a que hoy me sucedió lo mismo, estaba recordando la ocasión en que Larissa (una querida filósofa que me terapió durante un tiempo mediante la mayéutica) me comentó que era una "bendición", una suerte, una fortuna haber vivido lo que viví en primero de secundaria (sí, eso... que por una estúpida fiesta ridícula una supuesta amiga dejó la escuela y todos [que según su hipocresía la querían tanto] me odiaron [decir "todos" es darme demasiada importancia, digamos un 70% de mi generación], algo que no me afectó tanto ya que nunca he sido proclive a pertenecer a los grandes grupos sociales). Dijo eso después de preguntarme si aquello ayudó a formarme como soy y si me gustaba lo que soy (o era, a estas alturas del momento ya no sé bien cómo soy), a lo que yo respondí que me parece que sí ayudó ya que estuve relegada y me creé mi propio criterio y mi propio modo de pensar y ver las cosas sin ayuda de la "hermosa" sociedad que me rodeaba, y que me agradaba ser así.

Sin embargo, ahora que lo veo en retrospectiva, me parece que fue un poco exagerada su afirmación, ya que sí, es un hecho que eso cooperó a ser un poco diferente de la Menschenmasse, pero sí hubo un precio que pagar. Estuve pensando que en realidad no es grato recordar que a la infantil edad de 12 años empecé a rebanar mis brazos con cutters, navajas, cuchillas, incluso mis uñas. No, a esa edad se supone que yo debía ser una puberta estúpida para quien lo más importante en la vida es el wey del salón que le gusta porque está guapo aunque tenga cerebro de alcornoque (otra frase que me gusta), o en todo caso, aprobar la materia del ojete maestro cara de papa. Pero no estar pensando en si la vida vale la pena, en por qué todos ríen y yo no puedo quitar la mueca de agobio de mi cara; o si sería más interesante aventarme de la azotea de la escuela o encerrarme en mi cuarto y cortarme las venas, o inyectarme aire, o ahorcarme de una viga de mi casa; o si mis padres vivirían mejor y con menos problemas de todo tipo si yo me desaparecía.

No era lindo pensar en por qué si yo tenía una excelente familia, con dos padres, un hermano y hasta un perro, no me gustaba mi existencia ni me sentía feliz. Ni pensar por qué tenía que ir con un psicólogo y tomar medicinas cerebrales, cuando yo debía estar disfrutando mi inmadurez y mi estupidez ante la vida. ¡Vaya que eso no lo disfruté! Me gusta lo que soy (a veces y en general) pero no me gustó el proceso, y dudo que en todos los casos tenga que ser así. Hay gente feliz con lo que es y feliz con el proceso que le llevo a ello (hermosa aliteración), pero yo no.

Yo sé que más de uno (eso si hay más de un lector) pensará "¡¿qué sucede con esta mujer que cree que tiene la peor vida y que ha pasado por lo peor del mundo?!". Pero no creo que me haya pasado lo peor, sé que hay millones y millones de personas que están peor, más tristes, más solas, más miserables, más desafortunadas que lo que yo podría llegar a estar. Pero ese no es mi punto, relato lo que pienso dentro de mí, sin ver lo de afuera. Estoy consciente de lo egocéntrico que es eso, pero es lo que vivo diario, es mi vida.

El pretérito muerto... ¿asesinado?

2007-03-11T19:25:00.000-06:00

Yo solía creer en el amor. Yo solía alabar la amistad. Yo solía decir "te amo". Yo solía escuchar al oído, "te amo". Yo solía decir "el amor nos hace fuertes". Yo solía creer lo que decía. Yo solía creer que dos personas pueden permanecer juntas con tan sólo amarse. Yo solía creer que jamás estaría sola otra vez. Yo solía creer ser más importante de lo que soy. Yo solía sentirme alguien. Yo solía tener oídos para mis labios. Yo solía tener brazos ante el desmayo. Yo solía sentirme especial. Yo solía sentirme afortunada. Yo solía sentirme feliz. Yo solía creer que eso no podía terminar de golpe. Yo solía tener alguna esperanza. Yo solía soñar y despertar en mi sueño. Yo solía dormir acompañada y despertar igual. Yo solía decir "he vencido a mi demonio". Yo solía dar abrazos. Yo solía ser abrazada.

Yo solía sonreír de felicidad. Yo solía llorar de alegría. Ahora sonrío por compromiso. Ahora lloro de tristeza.

Yo solía querer. Yo solía amar. Yo solía ser querida. Yo solía ser amada. Ahora no quiero querer. Ahora no quiero amar. Ahora no quiero ser querida. Ahora no quiero ser amada.

Yo solía estar llena. Ahora estoy vacía.

Antes no dolía. Ahora sí duele.

El pretérito murió. El presente muere. El futuro morirá.

¿Y ahora?

Si alguien entiende, me avisa

2007-03-06T23:30:00.000-06:00

¡¡Ay Ay Ay!! Esta maldita soledad, contra la que siempre pierdo.

Sí, estar sola... ajá. Estoy en el punto en el que ni yo me lo creo.

365 x 2 es mucho, mas no suficiente.

Sola. Acompañada. Rodeada. Rendida. Vencida.

¡Carajo!

Lo sé. Hay luchadores ganadores y luchadores perdedores. Pero yo ni luchadora soy.

Débil, débil, complicada, ridícula y... ¡Débil!

Nunca nada basta, nunca nada es suficiente...

Yo = nadadora solitaria = gigante lombriz acuática

Desvaríos dignos de una ignorante de la vida...

¡¡Brrrr!!...

La importancia de un simple recado

2007-02-06T13:36:00.000-06:00

Saludos queridísimos lectores tan... nulos. El día de hoy tendré el honor y placer de narrar una historia curiosa que me ha alegrado varios días. Todo comenzó así.

El sábado 3 de febrero tuvo lugar un conciertillo pequeñillo, en el cual hubo una presentación de mi bienamada banda "Arganama" (en realidad se llama Anagrama pero me gusta esa palabra porque es un juego de palabras elevado como a la decimonovena potencia). En fin, esta presentación fue importante puesto que todo el espectaculillo se llevó a cabo en honor a las quince primaveras (como lo diría él) de mi querido compañero bajista. Sí, tocamos al final y sí, todos los que iban conocían (por lo menos de vista o de oídas) al cumpleañero.

En fin, el objetivo de este texto es narrar lo que sucedió después de la presentación. Terminamos el final del final de la canción final, y entre los aplausos, los agradecimientos, las felicitaciones, las presentaciones, los gritos, los abrazos y demás, se acercó un mesero (de los tres que hay), me entregó un pequeño papelito doblado a la mitad, y me susurró algo al oído que en medio de tal escándalo no pude comprender.

Hacía unos minutos, al terminar una canción el mismo individuo se acercó para pedirme que mandara un saludo cariñoso a algún desconocido para mí; razón por la cual, creí que el mentado pedazo de árbol procesado contendría información relacionada con algún aviso. Mas se imaginarán la gran y grata sorpresa al desdoblarlo y leer: "Con todo Respeto Que hermosa Eres". Tal frase -tan simple, usada y trivial- me tomó, como dije, por sorpresa por lo que yo estaba desorientada y sin preparación alguna para asimilar el suceso.

Lo sé, tiene faltas de ortografía (¡sí! para mí que me vuelvo loca por el menor error de escritura). Lo sé, la frase es muy común y trillada. Sé que no soy la primera persona a quien alguien le dice eso; sé que probablemente no sea yo la primera persona a quien ese mismo recadista anónimo le dice eso; sé que no es la primera persona que me dice hermosa (no lo digo con el tono de "ay soy tan hermosa que nadie ha evitado decírmelo"); sé que quizá su intención no fuera verdadera, o lo fuera pero sólo algo superficial. En fin, sé que tal vez ni siquiera valiera la pena emocionarme por ello, pero fue tal la locura del momento (el fin del conciertito) que ese recado anónimo me desconcertó y me llenó de una satisfacción muy agradable.

He pasado mis últimos días de vacaciones (es decir, de total y absoluto [mejor dicho, absolutista] ocio) pensando y repasado lo sucedido. Me he dado cuenta que la sensación de que alguien desconocido me llame hermosa es muy especial. Mis padres me han llamado hermosa, algún amigo también, mi novio, en fin... no es nada tan tan extraordinario el hecho de que llegue un papelito diciendo que soy hermosa.

Pero eso no es todo. No lo es porque de mis padres es fácil de suponer (creo que me quieren y aunque fuera espantosa me dirían hermosa, o similares); de mis amigos, generalmente ha sido cuando pretende algo conmigo (algunos sólo lo dicen por amabilidad, otros porque les gusto, otros por razones que no quiero mencionar); de parte de mi novio supongo que es porque le gusto y me quiere (es decir, ambas razones antes mencionadas). Pero de todos ellos -principalmente padres y novio- es raro que lo digan como algo nuevo, como si despertaran de repente, me vieran y exclamaran: "¡Qué hermosa eres!"; sino que es como: "Bueno, pues tú sabes que yo pienso que eres hermosa."

¿Notan la diferencia en la emoción? Pues recibir ese papelito y leerlo provocó en mi una sensación como la primera: como si aquel redactor misterioso de repente volteara al escenario, me viera y pensara "¡Qué hermosa es!", lo escribiera en un pequeño papelito, lo doblara por la mitad, se lo entregara al mesero y le pidiera que me lo llevara. Eso es lo especial.

Me percaté de lo curioso que es en ocasiones dar las cosas por sentado, dar por un hecho que las otras personas saben lo que piensas de ellas o sientes por ellas. Y a veces no es suficiente con decirlo una vez, ni dos, ni tres... tampoco repetirlo cada dos minutos como disco rayado. Lo mejor es decirlo en momentos al azar: "Hoy te vi y creo que eres guapo/a", "Por esta conversación me doy cuenta de lo inteligente que eres"...

En fin, no es mi intención hacerlos actuar de tal o cual manera, si quieren callar, adelante, si quieren hablar, igual. Sólo expreso lo que ese pequeño recadito simplón me hizo sentir y pensar, y por lo tanto le agradezco a quien lo escribió, por el mero hecho de haberlo escrito y hacérmelo llegar. Realmente fue algo especial.

Mi Infierno... tan decadente

2007-02-05T14:39:00.002-06:00

No hablo de mi casa, ni de mi hogar, ni de mi cuarto, ni de mi mente, ni de mi vida, ni de mi existencia... hablo de un texto mío que presenté en un taller de poesía (siglos, siglos atrás). El objetivo de ese texto era hacer una emulación del texto "Una temporada en el infierno" del genio tan genialmente genial, el joven Rimbaud. No se trataba de copiar metáforas, ni ideas, ni el estilo; sino de presentar nuestro propio infierno: lo que en nuestras vidas no es agradable ni gozoso, los momentos en que la alegría emigra al norte, es decir, en general lo triste, oscuro, desagradable de la vida de cada quien.

La variedad de textos que se presentaron aquella sesión fue inusual (para empezar, éramos dos infernales personas). Uno de los textos fue corto, sencillo, con metáforas interesantes pero simples... a mí parecer un poco desabrido. El otro -el de su inservible servidora- era largo, lleno de imágenes borrosas, con una estúpida- inmadura- ridícula ira impregnada en esas palabras un poco vacías. Ese texto es como un grito de desesperación dirigido a quién sabe qué parte innombrable de mi vida y quienes influyen en ella. Pero no es un grito cualquiera, es un grito desafinado, con gallos y alguna que otra flema... ¡Guácala!

Aquí lo dejo a su criterio... son libres de comentar cualquier cosa al respecto.

Mi Infierno

El crimen del tiempo se cierne sobre mí. Tanto miedo y tanta furia encarcelados me permiten darme cuenta de que lo que vivo es una guerra contra lo desconocido, contra lo inminente. Vago por el camino de mi vida, sin fijarme un rumbo, sin dar un paso certero. Me encuentro perdida en medio de la nada, no veo y no siento; no hay forma de guiarme, estoy sola y sin huellas impregnadas en las paredes de mi mente. Pretendo estar tranquila y segura de mis movimientos, todo es una vana ilusión del momento traicionero. Confundo realidad y fantasía, me enamoro de lo fortuito, construyo con falacias mi filosofía. Caigo al abismo de la desesperanza. Mis pensamientos me ocultan la verdad, finjo ser quien no soy y pensar lo que no quiero. Me divido en dos partes que se confrontan continuamente. Me dicen que una de ellas es una enfermedad a combatir; mas me niego a luchar pues los golpes de mi conciencia latente me obligan a no ceder ante las interpretaciones erradas de quienes pretenden adentrarse en mí dando un paseo por las orillas de mi más profunda esencia.

Veo mi reflejo en un charco de agua contaminada por los residuos de un pueblo autodestructivo, sólo alcanzo a distinguir un montón de preguntas e ideas ambivalentes. Opto por autodefinirme como un punto negro en medio de la oscuridad. Me siento nada, y nadie demuestra que no lo sea.

Me tomo unos minutos, aunque tal vez son horas o quizá años, me acuesto en mi vacío abismal. Cierro los ojos y contemplo mi verdad; hay una mancha ensangrentada perenne en mi alma. No lo creo. No es posible. Es algo que va más allá de los límites de la realidad. Eso que veo no es nada más que mi propia locura. Creo encontrarle un sentido verdadero a mi eterna búsqueda entre mi infinita oscuridad. Siento que vivo de nuevo, que ya puedo mostrarme como soy y dejar de ocultarme tras ese manto de imágenes ficticias. Decido que ha llegado el momento de abrir los ojos, de enfrentar a la realidad con mi nueva apariencia. ¡Maldita sea yo! ¡Maldita mi decisión! Lo que veo no son sino engaños, traiciones a mí misma. ¡Qué tonta fui! Creí que yo era el error en mi realidad, me equivoqué. Abrí mi alma y mi mente, me dejé vulnerable ante el mundo, en donde tanto la vida como la muerte están patentadas, donde la gente ya no es sino la copia de alguien más, donde expresarse significa ir contra el sistema. Ya no soporto la presión que me empuja hacia abajo, el problema ya no está en mi interior, ahora yo soy un problema. Y no dejaré de serlo hasta convertirme en un clon insensible como tantos otros, pero no cederé.

Disappointment

2007-01-31T15:31:00.000-06:00

" A disappointment.
Oh, you shouldn't have done,
You couldn't have done,
You wouldn't have done the things you did then.

And we could've been happy.
What a piteous thing..."

Lo sé. Debería dejarlo pasar, dejarlo volar lejos de mí. Pero acabé tantas cosas, tan rápido, tan sútil... Agarré lo que tenía y más valoraba, lo estreché contra mi pecho y lo estrellé contra la oscura ventana frente a mí. Esa ventana daba al vacío, al abismo de lo irrecuperable, como el agujero negro bajo mi cama. Y así, lo que aventé se ha ido y no volverá, a no ser que yo me lance por él y escale a mi hogar, a darle el calor que le quité.

Ay, mi ----, ¿qué hice contigo? Te arrojé en un acto de desesperación, angustia y banalidad, asustada por mis propios demonios. Es como tener de un lado al demonio y del otro al ángel... pero el ángel está dormido y al despertar ya es demasiado tarde para dar consejos. ¡Maldito ángel de sueño! ¡Maldito demonio de vigilia!

Ya dije "esa palabra" pero creo que lo que cambió no regresará a su estado inicial, una grotesca mezcla de emociones, sentimientos, arrebatos, gritos, lágrimas y asco. ¡Bah!

2007-01-08T15:30:00.000-06:00

Érase una vez...

2007-01-01T16:34:00.000-06:00

Justo ahora regreso por una curiosa casualidad (como hay tantas en esta vida) a este espacio que había dejado tan lejos de mí. Ahora regreso y veo que hay tanto nuevo, tantos comentarios, tantas personas interesantes. Todo ello me da nuevos ánimos, una energía para continuar, escribir y vivir. Sé que no conozco ni a la mitad de quienes escribieron sus ideas sobre mí y lo que escribo en este espacio, pero me reconforta saber que hay gente interesada. Muchas gracias a todos, aquí sigo y seguiré.

Tedio

2005-12-02T15:43:00.000-06:00

Bah! Ya me harté de escribir para nadie, ni siquiera puedo escribir para mí. Tengo tantas cosas que necesito escribir para desahogarme y siento que no encuentro el tiempo. Tonterías! Claro que tengo tiempo, sólo no sé utilizarlo bien.. qué raro, no? Ahh en fin, probablemente nadie lea esto, o si alguien lo lee no lo entienda.. o si lo leen y lo entienden, no les interese... tantas posibilidades y ninguna me interesa. Nada me interesa ya, qué aburrido.

Hasta pronto o hasta nunca..

Down on the ground...

2005-07-27T02:47:00.000-05:00

In the last post I said I was falling... well, I'm already down there, at the bottom of the abyss. I knew I would fall, but not this way... I thought I'd fall and be catched, but no one was there to catch me... and now, there's no one to lift me up. I'm alone, I was the cause of my loneliness... I'm helpless, I was the cause of my helplessness... I'm desperate, I was the cause of my desperation... I wish I was dead, I wish I could be the cause of my death.

I want my heart out of my chest, out of my body... I want my brain out of my head. I want to be lying there... lifeless, with no thoughts in my mind... just there.

I'm falling

2005-06-16T18:22:00.000-05:00

I can't tell if this is good or if it's bad... I just know I'm falling.. falling down, falling for... at the end is the same. I'm scared, not of the fall but of the consequences of it... of what the fall may bring with it... too much pain... I'm afraid of what may happen if I open up myself... nothing more shall I say it may be dangerous...

From bliss to uncertainty

2005-05-19T14:20:00.000-05:00

Is everything in my life has to be weird?? I guess so... you might be asking "what the fuck are you talking about??????" well, i don't really know, i just can say that there has been a change inside me again. I'm alright, or at least that's what i think (or what i'd like to think) but there's something inside that's been bothering me a lot. I'm not quite sure of what it is, i just know i'm worried (for a change), maybe about my father and family, maybe about my exam, maybe... about me and my future life. I was afraid of saying this last worry, but it's true... i'm worried about what's going to happen to me: will i leave, will i stay, will i be alone, will i keep myself alive, will i be happy, will i fall again, will i survive, will i want to survive???... so many questions and any answer. I'm lost and i'm not sure which path should i follow... the uncertain one or the known one... i'm lost and confused.

What the hell???

2005-04-28T20:43:00.000-05:00

I'm in a weird situation, i'm feeling really fine but weird... i wouldn't ever say i'm happy. Maybe i stick to much to my theory of "happy sadness" but i think i'm feeling this way more than ever, which is good i think, though really weird. Maybe is because of him, he's done a lot of changes in me, but the good kind of changes... i'm still the same, but in a better state of mind. I don't mean that i'm smiling and happy all the time, hell no! but when i get down (like usual) he gets me up again, or avoids me from falling... what could be better than that??.. nothing for me. I'm still in my dark-sad- little world but not alone... that's nice. Thank you

Wow, i think i could write something "blithe" at last. Someone will be glad...

Out of misery, back in words

2005-04-15T02:13:00.000-05:00

Here I am, once more... sad? the question is stupid. Doesn't matter, i'm fine. I was bored to see my blog with no new stuff, so here i am to write some more meaningless words about my existence, which gets more confusing every day. I just wanted to read some new comments, but how can that be when i don't write anything new? so here I am, with nothing to say but just writing. I just imagine how annoying can i be, always talking (well, writing) about the same boring shit... myself and my fucking feelings. I guess that's why i got sick of myself, so it ain't surprising at all that you (my once-good readers) got sick too of visiting this site.

I'll try writing about other stuff, maybe some blithe moments... as a friend advise me some days ago. I can't promise any good things, cause i'm used to write about those times of sadness and desolation... but let's try otherwise. Let's see if it works... meanwhile, i have nothing more to say... 'til later.

"Walk in Shades"

2005-03-21T16:17:00.000-06:00

"Blindly Towards The Sun"

2005-03-21T16:16:00.000-06:00

"Wherever The Road Leads You"

2005-03-21T16:15:00.000-06:00

"Choose"

2005-03-21T16:14:00.000-06:00

"Ahead"

2005-03-21T16:13:00.000-06:00

"Winding Path"

2005-03-21T16:12:00.000-06:00

"Climbing Roots"

2005-03-21T16:11:00.000-06:00

"From Darkness to Light"

2005-03-21T16:10:00.000-06:00

"Lost"

2005-03-21T16:09:00.000-06:00

"Up to the Sky"

2005-03-21T16:07:00.000-06:00

Quench my profoundest urge!!!

2005-03-18T12:19:00.000-06:00

I'm have an urge!! I desperately need to write something but I have nothing to say, well, I do have things to say but I can't find the way to say them... the right words... they're gone. I know there are too many things I want to express but I just can't... they won't come out, the thoughts are stocked in my mind, and they don't want to come out... they are afraid or something. I need them to be free!!! I need to let them out so that I can feel released... but they won't. Help me... somehow... I know you can... you have to....

Happy Sadness

2005-03-05T22:33:00.000-06:00

My sad little world is so dark, so cold and so lonely... the only thing surrounding it is emptiness, a huge void inside me. Everything in here is solitude and desolation... really depressing isn't it?? Well, though it may sound like that it isn't so, or at least it is not the cause of my depression (yes, yes, yes...) it is just the escape from my even-sadder reality... and guess what? This escape is one of the greatest things in my life. Funny, right? Yeah, i know... and you may think "yeah, whatever... she's talking non-sense", and maybe you're right, maybe i do but it may be senseless just for you. I don't say this thing of "happy sadness" just because i'm not letting myself being happy, no, the reason goes deeper in me, i feel it, i truly feel this happiness in my sad state of mind and it is really nice. You know, i have this "theory" about happiness and sadness... if you living in total happiness you stop feeling happy, it becomes in nothing more than the habit of "being happy" instead of being a true feeling, the same happens with sadness, if you live in sadness all the time you stop feeling sad you just "know" you are sad... and in both cases you end up being just a thing that exists, that breaths, eats and sometimes walks. That's why i think the best state of mind (at least it has worked for me) is the "happy sadness", an equilibrium of the opposites.

I hope this theory of mine can be somehow useful for you, cause it is so for me. You can label me as an insane person or as anything else you may think, but the truth is that this is the way i'm planning to live my life... at least for quite a while. Farewell...

"Sea of the Breeze"

2005-02-25T00:33:00.000-06:00

"Moonlight's Shadows"

2005-02-24T23:46:00.000-06:00

"Foggy Beach"

2005-02-24T23:44:00.000-06:00

"Flames of Agony"

2005-02-24T23:40:00.000-06:00

"The Road to the Gate of Death"

2005-02-24T23:39:00.000-06:00

"The Darkness of my Soul"

2005-02-24T23:38:00.000-06:00

"The Last Light of Life"

2005-02-24T23:09:00.000-06:00

"Amidst Green Life and Black Death"

2005-02-23T23:34:00.000-06:00

A quick note before more senseless words...

2005-02-22T14:08:00.000-06:00

Before i start talking again about myself and my life full of sadness, i'd like to tell you something. I know some of you may be sick and tired of me writing about the same stuff everytime, in every single post, but i can't tell you nothing but sorry... I can't stop writing about this, nor i want to, i like it and though people say writers want to be read i don't mind if you don't want to read this anymore, i'll understand.

Thanks anyway...

Is that really so strange??

2005-02-14T22:29:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking about these weird situations i've been through on the past days (and also today)... let's tell the story:
A few weeks ago i left some marks in my skin (those who haven't read my blog since a long time may not know what i'm talking about... forgive me) and they are still very evident, and like these days have been really hot and sunny i don't wear longsleeves no more... so you can imagine that is really easy to see the marks. Anyway, the fact is that a week ago my math teacher saw them and asked me if i was alright and stuff like that... i felt really really weird, cause the only persons who have seen them are some of my friends and my family (well and my shrink) so i didn't know what to answer... i just wanted to change the subject, and so i did.. but i went away with a strange feeling inside me. Then, the last friday after classes another teacher saw me and said: hey the other day i saw something in your arm, what is it??... And i showed him and started talking about that again, though this time wasn't so uncomfortable... don't know why, maybe cause this teacher is.. i don't know, but i didn't feel that weird, just a little. And finally, again today... i was with a couple of friends, we were outside the class cause we had to do a quick work to hand in before the class ended, so we were walking in the hall when the teacher saw us and he saw my arm and once more he asked me "what was that", i answered something stupid and keep on walking... after we handed the work in he asked me if he could talk to me... so my friends went away and he asked me again if i was alright, or if i needed some help, he asked me why have i done it and stuff like that... i felt even less weird this time, but maybe is just that i'm getting used to that kind of situation.... i just wonder who'll be the next one asking me about it.. let's see.

I just don't get why is it so strange, it's like a normal scar... nothing special. I can't understand, they can see a bunch of people with a stupid yellow bracelet or a pair of horrible and uncomfortable shoes just because it is in fashion... what the fuck!! But they see an slashed arm and it everyone gets shocked... such a weird and senseless world i'm living in... but what can i do... ---

At The Gates Of The End...

2005-02-10T22:51:00.000-06:00

I am living in a world of fear
Alone, no-one's there... Lonely, no-one will be there
No travel to a fantastic reality will save me
I am trapped in this tortuous illusion
escapeless, fragile, hopeless... helpless
I let out my last scream, my last breath.
I'm dying, the Gates of Oblivion are now
opening in fron of me... I'm scared.
Shall I get in there? Shall I run away? Or...
Shall I just let me fall down and die?
Weakness is taking over me
I can feel my body breaking down into pieces
Hatred's flowing in my veins
my blood has run out... I'm thirsty
I have an urge for a warm living body
but I remember... I am alone, all alone.
The only option I have is to give in,
give in to this cruel torture...
The light of truth has come to me
I've found my only reason to live: My Death
The end of my pitiful and miserable existence...
The black veil of Life has flown away,
the velvet coat of Death has covered me... forever

Lovely freezing cold...

2005-02-08T00:41:00.000-06:00

I loved the weather in these past days... cold, rainy, windy and cloudy. Amazingly beautiful! Melancholic days? That's for sure!! But that's just what I love, this melancholic weather full of "happy sadness", at least for me. Perfect days, no sun no heat.. just cold and wind. But what I love the most in those days is wandering... walk along an unknown path, feeling the cold freezing my veins, the rain pouring in my hair and the wind caressing my skin... what else could I ask from this life full of shit? Nothing but a thousand days like these. But heaven never listens to me, so I guess this days will be over soon... Schade!

Anyway, I have to enjoy them while they're here cause winter is flowing away... despite my complains. See you later, one of these winter's end- days. I hope you all enjoy them too as much as I do, if not... tut mir Leid!

Two Me's

2005-01-31T01:36:00.000-06:00

So much I wish, so much I dream of... but such impossible things they are. I've wished for freedom and peace of mind, I've dreamed of tranquility inside my mind... and what have I got? Disappointment and deceit, grief and sorrows... nothing more. But that's not why I am writing this, I have something else to mourn about. Something that actually matters...

I have this weird unusual feeling twice.. two different situations, two different souls involved... and I wish there could be two Me's. I beg to the mocking Gods to stop playing with me, with my feelings of love and loneliness... but they turn away from me, as they have always done. They leave me on my own, all alone to face their game, to keep on playing for them!! Why can't they grant me what I'm asking?? Why can't they make my dreams come true?? Perhaps cause I don't deserve it... I only deserve to be fighting on the edge, fighting against doubled feelings, fighting against my ******* and ********* nature. Perhaps I only deserve to be fooled, to shed frustration's tears... to dream in vain, to wish for Death. Why?!! Why can't there be two Me's, why am I only one?! Can all this misery be embraced by one soul?? The answer seems to say that I am meant to live in eternal misery and to struggle for two things at the same time... but still I'm only one... alone and sad, cold on the outside and dead inside...

New Citizen

2005-01-26T10:18:00.000-06:00

Finally, I'm legally a citizen... I just have to wait to get the card to prove it, but it's only a month, not such a big deal. Meanwhile I'll be carrying my birth certificate everywhere... I guess. Anyway, I think there isn't gonna be any concert soon... Schade!!
.... that's all for today I guess, at least for a moment.

Greetings from the New Citizen....

Living in darkness...

2005-01-25T14:05:00.000-06:00

...and being forced to look for a light.

That's where my whole problem is: I'm fine here where I am, I'm fine as I am... I don't want to look for anything else, I'm tired of looking for the impossible. So why are they forcing me to do something I just don't want to???!!!!..... no answer. They just think I'm lost and they want to help me, I guess. But there's a small thing they haven't seen: I'm fine being lost. Like I once wrote "being lost is when I can really find myself". It isn't a lie, it's the truth! Why can't they understand that? They say I'm blind in the dark, but I'm not... they are the ones blinded by the eternal darkness. They are not used to live like that, so when they come to my world, when they enter my life-style, they get dizzy... not me. I'm used to this, I'm used to live like this. I ask once more: Why can't they understand??.... still, no answer. Is it going to be like this forever?? Or will I be forced to do what they want, to live like they want me to??... right now, I have been defeated. I'll have to do what they want: Therapy.

But I know I'll raise up from the ground... I'll come back to my world... full of darkness, with my strange kind of happiness. I won't give up now... it's a promise I'm doing to myself.

Why?!?!?!?!

2005-01-16T23:27:00.000-06:00

Oh My Damned Creator!!! Why?! Please tell me why did you force me to live this!! Did I deserve that kind of punishment?? What have I done to get this in return?? Am I such a failure creation of yours?? Or were you just so bored that you wanted to enjoy with my suffering?? Are such an insane creature?? I'm begging to you for an answer!!! Talk to me!!! I'm tired of all these fights and battles, I'm tired of bearing this loneliness... and you probably know that already, so why did you let me face that situation on my own?? Perhaps the answer is just that you aren't there, maybe you just left me here eighteen years ago to be on my own, to be alone and helpless... perhaps you don't care about me and you never did. But still I'm mad at you!! I hate you!! Why didn't you have the courage to help me through?? Well I guess now I understand where my cowardice comes from... you fucking bastard!!! O should I call you "Thy Fucking Coward Majesty"??... I don't really think I deserve to be treated like this by you, or whoever is in your place. Why did you have to put all this things together against me?? You know I'm weak, you know better than anyone else, that I can't bear too many frustrating situations... I'm weak in fighting and solving my problems, you know that and you take advantage of it... What a disgusting creature you are!! But one day I'll take revenge on you... I swear.

Boredom has taken over my life

2005-01-07T18:45:00.000-06:00

I've been reading my past posts and I've noticed that I used to be interesting (at least for me as a reader), but now I've become really boring. I don't say anything new, always talking about my sadness and all that stuff, about how I feel like a meaningless piece of shit... I'd like to say I'll stop writing about that, but the truth is that I won't because I'm such an egocentric person that I don't care about anything else but myself and my stupid problems. I wish I could change that, and maybe I can, but I'm too tired of trying to change, I'm too tired of trying to get better...

The other day I saw myself in a weird conversation: Therapy. Again they were trying to get me into therapy, but I don't want it... that's all I know. I'm not sure if it would be better to go, or if I'd actually get better myself... but I just don't want to go. They tell me to give it a chance, that it will help me out. They tell me that if I don't do that I will always be weak and I won't be able to fight my demons, but I don't really need to fight them, I'm in peace with them. I guess. I only have to fight against my life... my boring life, and I don't think that therapy will give me strength to destroy my life, unless it is an inverted kind of therapy, which I don't think it's the case.

Anyway, my point is that I don't want to change and therapy exists in order to change lives, not to destroy them... so there is no therapy (yet) that can fulfill my needs. But how can I tell them "I don't want to go because I don't want to kill my demons, I want to destroy my way of life"... they would immediately send me with someone, if not to a sanitarium. So I'll just keep on ignoring their comments about it... as well as the ones about pills and stuff, damn! How much I hate that, they can't just understand that I don't want to get any medical substances into my system... nor antidepressants, nor Bach's flowers, nor anything like it. If I need help I'll find it where I feel safe and confortable, not with a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist... I will just find the way, or at least I'll ask for help when I'll feel I'd need it... not earlier.

The end of this, another boring post...

I have spoken... at last

2005-01-06T23:31:00.000-06:00

I couldn't take it anymore. It was too much for me to bear. Almost a year of waiting in silence, finding no words to explain my feelings about it. If I had waited another day it might have been a catastrophe, I might have suffered an implosion. Anyway, I decided to tell him, it wasn't that bad after all... I may have wanted a differente answer, or another kind of consequences but I think that it is better this way, and I'm glad that it happened this way and not under pressure or another unconfortable situation. I'm glad. I have to say that it was really hard to keep me silent, I almost never do that.. when I truly want to say something I just say it, no matter what the consequences are. But I guess this time I went wiser, and I think that it was precisely the reason why it went as nice as it could. I'm satisfisied with the result, not happy, but I can live with that. I guess. Well, that's all I wanted to say (or maybe it is all I should say).

A New Year... and the same old stuff

2005-01-05T18:35:00.000-06:00

Here I am again, in a normal day of this so-called happy New Year, and guess what? Everything's still the same as the past year and as the year before the past one... as always. Is there really something different? No. There's still people with no food nor health nor any kind of shelter. There are still big catastrophes caused by the human race. There are still many animal especies in danger. There are still too many people being discriminated. There are still too many unwanted children. There are still too many abuses of any kind. A New Year and the same shit as always. Another year that I don't feel tempted to live... in fact I'd rather not to live it. Anyway, there's not much I can do to make this damned new year a better one, call me a pessimist but that's how I think. Well, that's all for today...

By the way...

2004-12-31T19:30:00.000-06:00

I'd just remember today is the last day of this year... how great, the last day of this year full of misery and dissapointment. I think today I'll just welcome and embrace the first day of this still miserable and dissapointing year to come... though I hope not to live much of this one... but we all know hopes are always fake. Anyway, happy fucking new year's day... I wish to all of you, that this coming year brings happiness and all those beautiful (as supposed) feelings and... all that shit. I wish you the luck I never had, and the happiness that was never meant for me to live.

Such a coward I am...

2004-12-31T19:23:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it... well, actually I can but it still surprises me: I wasn't brave enough to keep leading me on the path that would guide me to Death. I was near, I could feel it, but I just couldn't give the next step... to the nowhere abyss. I'm suck a fucking coward, I was so near to cross the line between life and death, and I just couldn't... I fell on the ground and started weeping, with shame covering all my body... I'm a complete disgrace, a human-failure... such a failure that I can't even stop being so.

I'm ashamed of myself, and I'm tired of being me... I don't want to keep on like this... I don't want to keep on existing, I don't deserve it, a coward deserves nothing... not even Death it seems. I'm sick of myself!!! I hate me... I really do, and I can't stand this anymore, I can't stand living with myself every fucking day of my miserable existence, I don't want to... I wish I could just break myself into pieces, divide myself in two halfs... but that's impossible, unlucky me.

I'm tired, I really am... I'm sick of being locked in here, both in my house and in my body and mind. I want to escape, I need to run away. The worst part (or one of the worse) is that my parents are always watching me, they won't let me out because of my fucking operation... but in my birthday I stop caring about that, I will go out from here... alone, just to walk or wander or simply die... I don't know, I'll just get out that's for sure. Meanwhile, I'll keep on despising me everytime I'd watch my reflection on the mirror... to see the real crap I am and the unworthy I'd become... I'll try to make it until my birthday, after that, anything can happen... and will.

In Solitude.... by To/Die/For

2004-12-27T23:41:00.000-06:00

I'm not the one to die for

Don't grieve for me

After I am gone

No one remembers

Let me die in solitude

Under pale grey clouds

Let me sleep forever

Six feet under ground

This life ain't what I wanted

Don't cry for meI

'm not worth your pain

I'm not worth your tears

I say goodbye

And raindrops taste like tears

In the pouring rain I stand and die alone

In my final hour

As I kneel on the leaves

I can feel a wave of warmth

Wash over me

Then it's really over

My earthly misery

I'm not to be remembered

Don't cry for me

I don't need more words to express myself... this song reflects exactly everything I feel. I'm begging you: don't cry for me, after my departure no one will remember me... don't waste your tears, I was damned since I born... my fate was already written, I didn't deserve to live anymore... though I'm still not sure if I deserve to die, there's no other way to know that than testing it... farewell.

Voices

2004-12-14T23:56:00.000-06:00

They've come back again... my little damned friends. They used to be kind to me, they talked softly to my ear from the inside. They gave me someone to talk to in my endless solitude, they were always my company. They even were the only thing I knew would never betrayed me... but they did. The sweet voices of my head left me one day, without a warning... they disappeared leaving me all alone. I tried to make them come back, begged them to talk to me, but it was useless... they had left me.

But last week I heard them again. I can't deny I was kind of happy for that, I would be alone no more!... my mistake. They are not here to be my friends, they are not here to ease my pain. No. This time they've come to fight, to disturb my mind and torture my soul. They are not talking softly anymore, they are screaming! They are screaming for vengeance. They want me dead, they want my soul. I hear them yelling at me, confusing me and making everything hazy inside me. I want them to stop! They have betrayed me and I can't bear it! I hate them, they've brought me so much pain... I need them to stop! They are killing me... I'm vulnerable and defenceless. I am their victim, their slave... they want to kill me, they want me to kill myself. No! I can't face up to them, they are too many and too powerful... I am weak and tired, and I am alone... no one can help me, I am naked before them, like their sacrifice offering. They have got so deep inside me, they have become a lethal part of me... I can fight no more... I'm giving into them... the sound of these voices is getting through me, I feel it like my own blood, flowing free inside my lifeless body. They are talking... they are screaming... they want me... i'll give myself to them... my last sacrifice.

At last... I'm Free!!!

2004-12-10T14:45:00.000-06:00

All that hard-working had to end some day, right? And finally it has ended. I'm free! Although i think i'll be consumed by my spare time, so i have to make a plan or something of what i'm going to do all this time, all these boring days. Let's think.... yes, that seems like a good idea: walk. Just wander from place to place, with no direction... heading for the unknown. Absolutely, it seems to be a great plan of action.

Stupid are my words, aren't they? Doesn't matter, i don't care... i just wanted to say some stuff before leaving this fucking place of mine... i don't know what i'm talking about, i'm just writing non-sense words. Yes, i'd better get the hell out here. One day i'll say interesting things, i promise.

Too many words and a lack of meaning

2004-11-27T12:44:00.000-06:00

Words! Words! Surrounding me, blurring my sight and playing with my thoughts. Thoughts? Aren't they nothing but words? Fear... Cold... Love... Pain... Misery... Death... nothing but words. But, do they really mean something? Do they mean something to me?

Fear?? I know I'm afraid, but what is it exactly like? I run away from downfall, but is it my fear? I keep myself away from risk, does that mean I'm afraid? Who knows?
Cold?? It is much more than a simple feeling, it goes deep into our souls. I know for sure that my body, soul and mind are cold... lifeless. They have gone far far away from where I'm standing, the cold breeze of death has reached them and taken them to the underworld. Cold, cold... yes, under there everything's cold.
Love?? This word can mean so much and at the same means nothing. Is it a feeling? Or is it just a habit we all get? How can we notice the difference between one or another? I don't know, and that's the reason why I try to keep myself away from it, away from it's dark and deceitful nature. Is it love the beautiful and amazing thing almost everyone imagine? I don't think so, love is only an invention, a name we give to that complicated situation which sometimes takes us to the realms of life.
Pain?? Is it something that hurts? Is it just something that leaves wounds behind? Or was is it? Another feeling? Like love? Like cold? Like fear? Is it something we have to run away from? Or should we better get used to it? I know not, 'cause pain has taken me to wonderful places inside my mind, it has released my soul from its hunting ghosts. Pain means escape, means freedom... to me.
Misery?? Can my life be described with that word? Can it label my existence? Misery! Misery! Misery in me? What does it mean? Could it mean that my life has been taken to a state of existence in which there isn't any hope left? Does it mean that my life has come to its end? My miserable existence!!!
Death?? Finally... this grandiose word. Its meaning? Indescribable. To me it is the greatest word which could ever exist. This word gives me the strength to carry on everyday, it gives me the inspiration I need to write about my daily existence. Death keeps me from habit and routine. Every moment I get near to "The Final Experience" I feel free, I feel like there's nothing more... my death, my bliss.

Words! Words! What do they all mean? A lot... their meaning changes my life, my way of existence. But the only thing they have in common is that they are mine, and only mine. Those words (and the rest) and their meanings... just for me.

So long ago since I was here...

2004-11-23T23:14:00.000-06:00

I haven't written anything since the early days of this month, and we are almost finishing it. My apologies. It isn't because i didn't have anything to write about nor anything to say, it was just a lack of time... the end of the semester is always hard, but this last weeks are harder. And they are just getting worse everyday. I want to get out of school now! I want to spend more time for myself, instead of wasting it in things i don't care... but there's nothing for me to do. Anyway, there are just a couple more weeks and they are hard but, as always, times goes by, so they will be eventually over. Now I'm leaving, I have more homework to do but i just wanted you (my dear readers) to know i'm still alive. Expect more words from this lunatic mind.

In Countess Bathory's honour...

2004-11-09T23:50:00.000-06:00

"Blood means Life

Blood means Death

Blood means You

Blood means Love

Blood unites..."

How a great feeling is it! To feel that blood makes you alive and that it will always be there. As I watched my blood all around me I felt happy, it was bliss! It may sound crazy or even sick, but I love blood, the feeling I get from watching it flow is wonderful. Nothing else matters at the time, what I have in front of me is myself, my soul, my life... my every breath. So that's the reason why I pour it in the bottle, to keep it away from impurities, away from the touch of any stranger.

That night I just wanted to feel alive, I wanted to find a reason to live... and I found it: My Self is a reason more than enough to live.
As I said before, Blood makes me happy because it makes me aware of my existence and the meaning of it... what else could I ask for?

"Blood is what unites"

I did this to honour this one person, this amazing woman who has embraced me with her power, and taught me how to love blood and to feel it deep inside my body and my soul. This unforgettable countess: Erzsebéth Bathory, The Countess of Blood.

Hallowed be Thy Name.

Happiness doesn't work for me

2004-11-03T22:18:00.000-06:00

Now that I read the title I think it sounds like if I were depressed, but I'm not... well, I'm not sure but I'm not feeling down, that's my point. I'm not happy cause I'm not quite sure about the exact moments when I'm happy, or when I could say I am. I have a theory: if you look for happiness you won't find it. That's maybe why I don't look for it, I just live my life and it's happy and sad moments. That's why I'm not happy, cause I don't want to, I'm fine like I am now... comfortable in my "kind-of-depression" status. I know it sounds weird, but that's how I am, and how I like to be, I won't kill myself (at least, not yet) and maybe (just maybe) I won't hurt myself in a long time. I'm just fine with my state of mind and soul and all that. Who said sadness was a bad thing? Who said being depressed would lead to death and not to happiness?

Ok, I accept it: I'm mentally ill, so what?

The Present Age... by Evol

2004-11-01T22:17:00.000-06:00

"Living in a world of solitude, submerged by falsity and ignorance,where man live for his own, forgiving his Source,this is our Age, Godsless, as Nietzsche said,but Gods will never die, and the time will come,when our Forger will rise in front of his creatures,and the Revenge of the Black Souls, banished from this Society,will take place..."

Inspiration's gone... just like my life

2004-10-31T21:01:00.000-06:00

Where has my inspiration gone? I want to write my deep, i want to free my soul... how can I? How can I write when all words have expired? How can I scream out my pain if it is hiding behind my inner-self? How can I?! How could I?! Somebody answer me, please! Listen to my prayers! Listen to me!

I want to write, but what for? To be alone with myself? I already am. To be free in my solitude? I have been free since i died. To feel alive? I don't need nor want to. So, why should I write? to tell you i'm miserable? To tell you i'm dead? Doesn't matter, i know you don't care. You don't know me, neither do I.

What's life to me? Nothing more than a couple of minutes I breathe.
What means death to me? Eternity, end of time... it means everything I am and everything I may ever be, everything I can be.
What do we live for? To reach the end, to get through pain and desolation, to see us bleed... to get to death. We live aiming for death... what a contradiction! We breathe to stop breathing, we cry for time to wipe our last tear. We are alive!... but are we trully living? Who can tell... surely not me nor you, we are just a part of the game.

Assuming I write to feel alive, let me ask: does it even have a purpose? Why should I feel alive? I'm breathing, that should be enough to prove that i'm not dead yet, but the matter here is that I am actually dead already. I walk through Time, I mock of Life, but as I cannot fight against Death I have become her ally. So here I am: all alone but dancing with Death... and writing to diminish my solitude and to pretend being alive.

Everything seems to get better

2004-10-20T19:37:00.000-05:00

I can't deny it: i was in some kind of free fall and i kept on going down. Now it seems that i'm up there once more, still in the edge but without falling. I'm not absolutely sure about what has lifted me up but i can say there has been some nice stuff lately. A few of them are:
- the comments i received when i wrote my last post, i want to give special thanks to those who gave me some words of support to deal with my "issue". Thank you, really.
- the situation with this guy i have mentioned in a couple of posts ago, seems to go on though it has been a little confusing sometimes. Anyway, it makes me feel nice somehow.
- i've been eating! i don't mean i'm an anorexic girl nor anything like that, but when i'm kind of down i barely eat, so now that i'm getting some more food into my system i've felt better.

Well, i think that's all, it may not seem much but all that stuff has helped me out. I hope not to have another free fall soon, i'm just getting out of this one. I'm really glad about it, though i don't dislike it completely, the sad feelings aren't always bad... but right now i'd rather being in a good mood. Better times may come so i have to be open wide to let them come.

Not again!!!

2004-10-15T13:18:00.000-05:00

No! I've failed myself again! I don't really want to be specific about this, because this is something very... i don't know how to say it, let's say embarrasing or shameful maybe. Somehow i guess none of you would be really interested on what this may be, but just in case you could ask me... maybe i'll tell you maybe not. Well, this doesn't really matter, the fact is that i did it.

I've let the blood spilled out from my body while some tears were falling down my cheek. With this red flood i wanted to free my sorrows and get them out of my soul but i only got more wounds on my flesh and more scars to be seen by this narrow-minded world. They don't understand my motiv and i don't have the words to explain such an irrational feeling. I wanted my pain to go away, to leave my dark heart alone as it has been so far. But no... it wasn't that easy, the blood does not carry my pain nor my fears nor my sorrows, it carries my whole life. It feeds me but it doesn't free me. Although i wouldn't say it was in vain, it was really necessary for me to calm down, and this was the best way possible. Many would say i'm sadomasochist but they're wrong. This is just another way to bring some momentary peace to my soul, just a quick escape from my miserable existence to a nicer world. Anyway, i really believe i'll do this again, one day not so far from this. It is as inevitable as death and as pleasant as my fantasies. It is a way out, a bloody but effective one. Probably you'll see me writing soon about another adventure like this. Wait for it.

Dread has come home once more

2004-10-10T21:00:00.000-05:00

I'm not quite sure about my feelings right now. Everything is really hazy and confusing. I know many things have been confusing this few weeks but now when some things are being clarified, i still can't think clearly. I don't trust my feelings but neither his, i don't mean he is lying to me but maybe he is not absolutely sure about his feelings either. Or maybe he is in some kind of urge or.... well, probably is just that i don't want to accept that he likes me because i'm afraid of liking him, i'm afraid to fall in love.. not that i will, but nothing assures me that i won't.

I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared!! I just want to clarify my feelings and to make sure that his are for real. I would really like that all this awkward situation gets to an end, and i wish this end to be totally different from the others i've been through, by this i mean that i deeply wish that in the end we could be... i'll say it: a couple. I'm not in a hurry of having a boyfriend, nor anything like that, it's just that i'd like to feel able to be in that kind of relationship. I don't mean that i want to use this guy to overcome my "problem", i just think this could be a good chance to do it.

Well, i'll keep on thinking about all this shit and maybe if i got the chance to go out with him or something it may help to get things in a better direction. I'll see...

Put a stake through my heart!!

2004-10-07T14:10:00.000-05:00

Kill me!! Everything I'm doing seems to be wrong and I'm sick of that. Why can't there just be one? Why the masses are coming after me? Are they trying to drive me mad? Doesn't matter, they've already done that anyway. I'm a coward 'cause i'm running away but i need strength to confront this issue. I need to talk, to be listened. I don't know what to do! My time's reaching the end and i'll have to make the choice whether i want to or not. I'm just asking for some light, some clarity about this. I'm confused and still walking towards the inevitable decision.

"Dancing among shadows of broken love
shall my weakness and your strength become one
so we can fly far away from this miserable life.
I'm alone, you are too many.
I wish i could break myself into pieces
to give one part of me to each of you.
Somehow you are all in my mind
fighting courageously to get deeper,
though only one of you shall pass.
This one will become a vital part of me,
breathing and living beside me...
coming with me to my Eden."

I JUST DON'T HAVE THE GIFT

2004-10-06T23:51:00.000-05:00

I don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift, i don't have the gift...

I JUST DO NOT HAVE THE GIFT!!!!!!

I aim for forgiveness...

2004-10-03T18:17:00.000-05:00

This time i will not say "sorry" cause my failure goes further. The pain it brings is deeper than the one caused by any wound. The mistake doesn't seem to be such a big deal, but i know it is. It's not the first time i break a promise made to myself (in fact, i've broken the same promise more than once), but i think this was the worst moment to do that. Right now i'm even more unstable than before, when i made my promise.
The problem is that i can't undo what i've done so i have to deal with this thing called...(just imagine the name). I'm asking for my forgiveness, but instead i should ask for theirs...
I'm begging for this to stop, i don't want anymore blood to be spilled nor anymore hearts to be ripped.

When shall i find my Eden?

2004-09-30T23:20:00.000-05:00

I've waited till now all in vain... i'm tired of waiting, i want some blooded tears of love to fall from the sky, i want those tears of romance to touch me, caress my virgin cold skin. I want to lay down in my Eden's gardens, to walk along the dark path inside the infinite forest of celestial doom (as ironic as it may sound). I want to get to my Eden, with my Dreamed One.. and be there the rest of time, until eternity gets to its end... forever. I don't ever want to get back to this sad reality, i want to fly away to my fantasy land and never get back, not ever. The real problem is that i don't want to wait for it and i know it won't come soon... nor easy. I still have to fight for it, but right now i'm tired, so i should leave it for another moment... right now i shall sleep and dream of the one who'll come along with me.

Darkness' Embrace...

2004-09-28T22:43:00.000-05:00

In this fullmoon night i shall say something, i must. But there are not any words for this moment. This extasis belongs to me and to no one else.

Breathing amidst these fields of darkness,
with the lonely moon's light
filling up every inch of my skin;
covering with its touch
every meaningless part of my broken body.
What else is worth living for?
Is there anything worth dying for?
The answers are floating
somewhere inside my clouded mind.
This ray of moonlight slipping into here
must clarify my confusing thoughts,
the great moon of this night
has to offer me some help.
I should be saved by Her
and embraced by Him
but i only deserve and receive
the Darkness' Embrace.

I'm not such a loser!!

2004-09-22T12:48:00.000-05:00

This morning was a nice one. First, talking about religion and finding out i am not the only not-catholic girl in the class (well, i am the only girl). Then in the next class i found out i'm not that bad at it, i'm making great progress. Like i said, i guess i'm not such a loser. Nice to know.
Anyway, this was just a short comment of how i'm feeling this morning... i hope it remains the same during the day, until this probably-weird night. I'll go now, i have other interesting things to do, to improve my language acquaintance.

Do i have any celestial gift or something like that??

2004-09-20T23:24:00.000-05:00

They have it, they are great. And what am i? Nothing but some dust mixed with blood, with no charm, no grace... no gifts. Just a living corpse, i even think i have no soul... so everything i feel is just a product from my vast imagination; and all my thoughts are the ones from someone who put them inside of my mind. So what i consider my reality, is actually a fake creation of those who have something to give to the world, those with celestial gifts. But is there some way to get one of those, where are they offer?? or are they something you get when you born just because you are pretty, or wealthy or just for being a divine creature... well i'm none of those, so i guess i don't have any gift and neither will... bad luck! Well, i'll take care of my dust and blood to see if i survive in this fucking world full of gifted cloned sheeps... that's nice, cause i'll be the shepherdess of all them. Not such a bad job, huh? Alright i'm starting being non-sense, so i'll keep on with this freaky theory of mine some other day.

My real truth

2004-09-18T20:23:00.000-05:00

When I look deep into myself I get dizzy. I actually can see inside me, the real me: no more lies, no more borrowed thoughts, no more delusions, no more imaginary feelings... just me, completely exposed. It's like if I were watching my reflection in a mirror which shows all the truth, analyzing every detail of my soul. When I search deep I get to the roots of my existence, which makes me doubt about everything I've lived, every feeling I've had or I thought I had. The deeper I go the more confusing it becomes. I'm aware that I will never be able to get to the bottom of my being, but I do can search the true essence of what i am, of what makes me the way i am.
Anyway, none of this really matters, cause right now i am lost... lost within myself, i can find no roots, no essence, no nothing, i'm simply lost somewhere inside my mind and my soul. Looking for me, but without success. Hope is the only thing left to me, just like Pandora's box, the problem here is that all the misfortunes are surrounding me so i cannot see the faint light guiding my way to the end of this quest. I'll keep going blindly to the end of it or to the end of my life.

Solely i fade with the rain...

2004-09-09T21:29:00.000-05:00

...Here...here I am...life is bright...

...There's no sorrow...nothing can stop us...

...Showed us hope....and took my forest...

...Saw my perfect...in my hand...some death...

...Some cheer...that's real pain...

...Remoun you...I don't understand...

...I've...I've lost my hope...

...My...my will to live...

...Live so well...forever...all alone...

In my eyes you see no pride

In my eyes you see no light

In my eyes you see your tear

In my eyes you see my fear

In my eyes you see my love

In my eyes you see no glow

In my eyes you see my hate

In my eyes you see my fate:
Forever all alone

All alone will i walk the dark path before me

The one which will lead me into the eternal shadows of my mind

The never-ending story of my miserable existence

I've taken myself into the edge of the bottomless abyss

Can't get back, my deadly moves are irreversible

I'm shaking, trembling... i think i'll fall...

Can't stop now... i'm in my way down

Far far down... to never come back.

Darkness encircles me

Pain has defeated me again

I'm falling

Just like i've been doing these last ages.

Melancholy is my partner in these rainy days

2004-09-01T21:24:00.000-05:00

Lovely beautiful days are these. The powerful rain almost turning into an amazing storm... just beautiful. Anyway these days always remind me of my existence... so i ask to myself? Is this existence leading me somewhere?? I'm lost, i have no doubt about it, but my question is, how much? how deep have i taken myself? how far have i gone this time inside the labyrinth of my mind? What scares me the most is that somehow i feel safe in there (wherever i may be). This is a nice cold and lonely place, here's no one to bother me, no one can talk to me... it's just me and myself, no one else. Well, it is always just me and myself anyway...
I couldn't say i've been sad or depressed (well maybe a little depressed) but weird (even more than usual!). I'm kind of happy one instant and in the next one i'm absolutely melancholic... and i'm not even in those days (i guess is pretty obvious of which days i'm talking about). So what the fuck is wrong with me? or is it starting to become a common daily feeling?... well, anyway, there's not much i can do about it. In fact, somehow it is funny... not knowing how will i feel the next minute, yeah from this point of view it is something amusing and interesting.
Well, duty calls me... i shall go back to my dark, cold and lonely cave where i came out from just to write something in here. Wish me luck in my happy solitude.

I don't want to die... i just want a break of this life of mine

2004-08-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

I'm getting sick of this shit again: my life. Always the same, doing things to help somebody else or just because i have to. But where in this place is time for me? I want to set my mind free, but i can't.. i have to be here in the "real world" to do the really "important" stuff. I have to say good-bye to my fantasies and my crazyness. I have to forget some time about myself or at least about the things i like to do, anyway i'm just trying to say that i need a relief, a way out of here... I want to get something clear: i do not hate my life. I just get tired of it a little and want a break. What i really hate of my life is that i nearly don't have time for what i like to do, i have to organise everything depending on what i have to do, not in what i want to do. Anyway i'm starting being nonsense, i'm saying i want a break because i do a lot of things i have to instead of what i like to do but what the hell! This is how life is supposed to be, and i really do some of the stuff i want, of course, not as much as i'd like but it is something, at least. Well i guess i don't have no more to say right now, so i shall say: The End.

I'm drunk and unhappy

2004-08-13T23:49:00.000-05:00

Hey you! You've really let me down... somehow i thought you wouldn't do that to me, you looked so sure about not doing it, that i actually believed you... bad for me, i shouldn't have, i should have known this would happen... in fact i knew, but i just blinded myself from the truth.
I wanted you to stick around forever, and be there when i needed you to be there... but i was so selfish, and now that i think deeply into it i see that i really don't want you to be there just for me, that's stupid... it's better (and healthier) for you to be there for somebody else. You've been there for me too much time, more than anyone could bear, so i thank you for it from the heart of my rotten soul. I think it may be appropriate to ask you not to get stuck on me again, it's been too much for you and i don't want that to happen to us again (i hope you know what i am talking about)
I think our friendship gave what it could, and it went as far as it could go. Thank you for everything, but just forget every feeling you may still have.
"Ich danke dir für all' die Liebe
ich danke dir in Ewigkeit!"

The river that carries my blood...

2004-08-11T14:58:00.000-05:00

Everything seems to go with the flow. Time passes by and looks back and sees me -the one behind everyone else-. He points at me and laugh... he goes faster and leaves me alone. So here I am, in the middle of the darkness of my mind, no warm no light... no time. Blessed by the demons of the night, cursed by the eyes of the Great One above me. I can see my fate beyond me, so hazy... so sad. I don't want to keep moving, i want to be here in this nowhere... in here i'm safe, so far away from everyone.
"Oh Death! Thy power so great! Release me from my pain and lead me into the burning flames of endless peace! With thy unmercyful hands rip my heart to love no more! Tear my skin to shreds as i don't want to feel any more! Smash my body and let my soul be thine... forever"
In the darkness shall i remain until time comes back for me, to raise my body from the dead and give my soul new life... therefore i will reign over the shadows of my mind.

I knew this would eventually happen...

2004-08-06T18:02:00.000-05:00

I don't need to know any kind of witchkraft to forsee this would happen... it always happen, even when nobody wants. When one of my friends, even my dearest and closest friends, get "connected to someone" i see myself moved aside. It is something inevitable, it is something that comes in the "next-step-relation pack", so what can i do but accept it and moving on. The only thing that bothers me the most is that it was such a nice... thing.
Well i shall say no more, there's nothing bad about it. It was meant to be. And for the sake of every one of us it is better like that. It's not healthy to impede something that has been written in the pages of the fate...
I'm glad that it happened, i just wish the feeling to go away soon... before anything happens with me, in me. Things are better now, the sacrifice has been done, there's nothing left to do, except watch time go by...

The future is getting closer to us... or are we getting closer to it?

2004-08-05T01:39:00.000-05:00

Robots... since i remember people has always thought about robots and all those cybernetic issues. I don't like them at all, when i was a child i could, because they were something like fascinating to me, but now i really appreciate natural life. Could you imagine getting into a building and hearing a voice who welcomes you and tells you what to do next?? I would became absolutely insane!! Even more... is that posible? I would kill myself before getting used to it, some weird humanoid telling you what's best for you, or helping you with everything... aahh!! How useless would the human race become!! I understand now why the machines would raise up against humans... they would do everything, so they would controll everything. That would give them the right to rule over us... what a fucking mess!!
I insist, i love living in this time... i guess it is better than how it may be.. or at least like they show it in the futurist movies... Anyway, i 'm writing stupidities, i don't even know well what i am writing.. i'm almost asleep, so i shall better go to bed, before one creepy humanoid robot comes to tell me to go to bed, because it is not healthy to be awake at 1:39 a.m.
See you, and beware of the robotic artificial life...

The end of it was so sad!!!

2004-08-02T23:42:00.000-05:00

It's broken!!!!!! At last... i had to bear the truth: there was no way out, it was going to break anyway, no matter how much i take care of it... :'(
I was so sad.. more than 1 cm!!!!! I got a new record!! But i wanted it to grow more... or at least not to break so much!!
Anyway, it has already happened... i'll just have to wait for it to grow again. So i hope i'll see it that long again in 3 months or so.
Too sad but bearable... i guess. Well there's something good about fingernails, they're always growing...

The Contradiction: Feelings vs Thoughts

2004-08-02T20:46:00.000-05:00

Why do i feel? Why do i think? Which one is the best?
Sometimes i believe i think too deep; some others i believe i feel too much. When i think i see only for myself, what's best for me, what makes me feel better and more comfortable... i think about me. But when i feel i just worry about the other people involved, what's best for them, what may make them feel better and more comfortable... just worry about them. So what the fuck is going on with me??!!! I know everything comes from the same place: my mind. But then, why is it so much trouble with two "things" which come from the same place?? Why can't i think and feel just what's necessary; think when i have to and feel when i want to.
But life can't be so beautiful, nor my mind. I have to be complicated then i wouldn't be a woman, right?? Or rather wouldn't be a human.
Anyway, this is me... this is my life, so i'd better get used to it, used to the continuous fight between Feelings and Thoughts...

Ahhh que mierda de compu!!!! No puedo escribir nada en el post!!! Que chingaderas!! No jala el internet explorer, no jala esta cosa, que mierda!!!!!!!

2004-08-02T19:53:00.000-05:00

¡¡¡¡LACRIMOSA!!!!

2004-08-02T17:16:00.000-05:00

No words for it.... absolutely wonderful, magnificent.... i guess the best concert i've been to! Just amazing... everything was great, unbelievable. Having this genious a few steps away from me was so exciting! The music!! The voice!! Everything was perfect!!
But when they started with "Ich verlasse heut' dein Herz".. my goddess!! it was incredible! I was shaking like if i was having an epilepsyc attack jeje i screamed like if someone was gonna rape me... well not really, no one has ever tried to rape me so i don't know how that scream would be... Anyway, that song... and the other... and everything was awesome... i loved that concert!
Everytime i hear one of the songs they played i inmediately remember the whole scene and everything so beautiful... if i die one of these days i woulnd't do it so sad and miserable jeje i'm getting better. Although, i don't want to die yet.. too many other concerts to go to

Bored and sleepy in a cloudy melancholic day

2004-07-29T19:45:00.000-05:00

That's the real me.. but because i like more Tarja's picture than mine that one is in my profile and not this one.

Getting back to important stuff... I'M HARDLY WAITING FOR TOMORROW AT 8PM!!!! (or is it 9??) i really think i'm gonna cry... well that isn't too hard to guess since i've cried in almost every concert i've been to... jeje i really get excited. Let's see how everything goes... meanwhile i shall make a stop...

(doing the laundry)

i'm back now... let's see, where was I?? ahh well the concert theme is over i guess. My mantra!!!!!! Cradle of Filth - Satanic Mantra...
Ahh i really don't know what to talk about, i have too many things in my head and i'm not thinking very clearly... so for everyone-who-read-this-thing's sake i shall shut my fingers up...
Don't die... or die.. as you please, right now i don't care.... well i do, so don't die

Love words before midnight

2004-07-28T23:51:00.000-05:00

My heart is killing me... or is it my mind?
It doesn't matter, at the end it is just the same: pain
I know i won't die for loving you, i'm still alive
I know i won't cry for your love, it's already mine
The only truth i know is that there's darkness around us
bluring our sight and blinding our souls.
I also know my aim is to be at your side
feeling your warmth and breathing your life.
But i had been cursed with an eternal tormented love.
I'm afraid of bringing your life down into ruins
i'm scared of ripping your heart with my unmercyful hands
i don't want my despicable soul to be in touch with yours
i don't want my acid tears to melt down your body
I'm under the spell of fear and despair
but underneath both of them, i love you.
I will just love you in the darkness of death...
were i'll be able to.

Excited but tired

2004-07-28T23:01:00.000-05:00

Lacrimosa is coming!!!! Just thinking about the whole scene of being there in the middle of their music makes my heart beat out of its place...
Although i'm tired... exhausted really. Taking care of my mother was harder than i thought.. it's not that i wouldn't have done it, i would have anyway, but its horrible to sleep at 12am and wake up (or being waken up) at 7am or even earlier... well, i don't want to talk about my awful days, it has been enough by living them.. i'm just pleased that my mother is getting better, its a great relief.
I just wanted to talk about something... write about something. I'm sick of this, i think i want to die after the concert.. it would be the most amazing death i could get.... aaggrrhh no!!! i won't talk about my death though those images are coming up to my head again... hate it!!
Let's talk about.... my writing.. i hate it too, but there's nothing else to talk about. I'll write down here somethings i wrote the last week:

"...sentí mi alma cayendo, congelada, a los pies de la esperanza (...) dentro de mí había un espíritu lleno de fragilidad, al borde de la desesperacion..."

"El corazón dentro de mí derramó una lágrima de ira pero se contuvo de gritar su dolor. Me sentí tan sola, tan abandonada, sin una mano de ayuda ni un brazo de apoyo. Sólo mi madre y yo; ella sufriendo, yo agonizando; yo cuidando de ella, nadie cuidando de mi."

To end this writing i'll say my mantra to give me strength:
"Archangel, Darkangel,
lend me thy light
through death's veil
until we have heaven in sight"

It's been quite a long time...

2004-07-24T19:46:00.000-05:00

I'ts been a while since i haven't written anything in here, but i've been out of this business a litte. I just want to post something to remember i have this thing.

A couple of minutes ago, searching for my nickname i found spmething kind of nice somewhere inside my mind:
"Alone and afraid... breathing despair and walking beside death... With no one to love... nevermore."
Sad but true.

Since some days, i've wanted to cry with someone, because crying alone does not calm me down anymore, at least this time it didn't. Bad luck, there is no one to cry with, no one who can listen to my sorrows, no one to hug me... just no one. The only thing i can do i wait in here, wait for that which i know will not come. I'll try to be strong and bear my pain.
I've been longing for some hope, for perfect love... such a foolish illusion! Anyway i know i'll be here waiting for some of it to come, a little hope, a bit of love. Meanwhile, i'll be trying to carry on with this process of time called life, or trying not to die... or at least enjoy the effort.

Some meaningful quotes worth remembering...

2004-07-17T20:59:00.000-05:00

Some quotes not from me:

"She imagined a specter who told her that, if she wanted, she could still walk to the square, she could still find a man who could ask: "Do you want to be my girlfriend?" But the silence and the night inside her house said: No one."

"The world's last explosion. My blood splattered on the wall. My body, my shattered head, fell on the floor."

"Almost in silence i say: "love". The word hovers before me for long into the night, amid sounds, amid gestures."

"The word stops and i remember you like a penetrating knife. The infinite blade of a knife infinitely thrust into me. An eternity has passed since you left me alone among the shadows of the night."

"Now, in this moment. I don't know where you are. I imagine you doing so many things. I imagine you not remembering me."

"I saw you leave. Your footsteps drawing away from me. You entered your house as if you were leaving me forever. You were leaving me forever."

"I lost myself in the dreams we had. I gave myself up. Never again will we be able to dream. Never again."

"I see you. I don't know if this face is you or the imagine of you in my memory."

"So much to live for. So much to die for. If only my heart had a home."

"If you have no one, no one can hurt you."

"Suchte ich der Herrlichkeit der Zweisamkeit und fand nur der lächerliche Einsamkeit."
("I searched the splendor of the companionship and found only the smiling loneliness.")

Some of my own:

"Amor mío, eres tan frío como la luna, tan etéreo como un dios y tan falso como mis sueños."
("My love, you are as cold as the moon, as ethereal as a god and as fake as my dreams.")

"No estás en mi memoria, ni lo estarás. No estás en mi presente, ni en mi futuro. No eres nada, tan sólo tristeza y soledad, la mía."
("You are not in my memory, neither you will be. You are not in my present, nor in my future. You are nothing, but sadness and loneliness, my own."

"..otra noche más de tantas, sin mayor valor que la de ayer, sin menor esperanza que la de mañana..."
("... one more night, with no more worth than the last one, with no less hope than the next one...")

"¿Cómo puedes sostenerme siendo la brisa más sólida que tú? ¿Cómo puedes mantenerme viva siendo la muerte más real?"
("How can you hold me if the breeze is stronger than you? How can you keep me alive if the death is more real?)

"Pensando en tí olvido todos mis pesares, pues tú eres el más grande de ellos."
("Thinking of you i forget every one of my sorrows, because you are the biggest of them.")

"Es difícil sostener una promesa, pero más difícil es vivir con la culpa de haberla roto."
("It's hard to keep a promess, but is harder to live knowing it has been broken.")

"Daría mi todo en soledad para ser la nada junto contigo."
("I would give my everything in solitude to be the nothing with you.")

"Yo puedo pensar en una idea pero una idea no puede pensar en mí. Yo puedo amarte, odiarte, idolotrarte y olvidarte, pero tú no puedes ni imaginarme."
("I can think about an idea but it can't think about me. I can love you, hate you, worship you and forget you, but you can't even imagine me.")

"Te amo, te odio... y para tí, ni siquiera existo."
("I love you, i hate you... and for you i don't even exist."

I share these words with you (whoever "you" are) ... i hope you enjoy them as much as i do. By the way, i thought they would be a few, but there were too many of them that i like.

Kind of disappointing day

2004-07-08T12:40:00.000-05:00

This was a nice day, i can't deny that... but i was really excited about that "party" (if i can call it so). Despite the fact i wanted to get a bit drunk hehe... i wanted to go there.. i don't really know why but i was excited about it.
I went to the movies, again i got there before almost everyone... so i sent a message to that girl to see if she was going to stay at my house tonight... but oohh surprise!! There wasn't gonna be any party!!!! Damn it!! I wanted it!! Anyway, i put my disappointment aside, and waited for the others to come. After a while people started arriving... we saw the movie... not bad but not so good.
I was a funny day... its really amusing to see people watching us like freaks hehehe really funny... just like scaring little boys haha poor of my children... that's why i'm not planning to have any... hahaha.
I'm laughing a lot, and i'm alone.. i may look like a madwoman.. but i don't care, i'm worse than that hehe.
Well i don't know anymore what i'm talking about... i'm just writing because of writing...
I'll finish this here, before my friend falls asleep waiting for this to be published. "Good night, good fight"
(I remembered this quote from Celebrity Deathmatch", how great was that program hehehe the best of MTV-shit)
THE END

Some quick words... before i go to write many more

2004-07-07T00:25:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since i hadn't posted anything. Not because i don't have anything to say, it's just that my living schedule has been a little weird. I sleep early in the morning and wake up at midday, so everything changes for me... i write too much a couple of hours before sleeping and in the whole day i have no inspiration. Anyway, i said these where going to be some quick words, so be it.
Tonight another letter shall be written, for the Uncoming One. Tomorrow a movies-afternoon and later... some drinks.. hope so.
Now, i gotta get started with the 3rd letter to... that guy... or whatever it is.. or may be... hmmm i'd better shut up.
See you later.

Einsamkeit... noch einmal und in Ewigkeit

2004-06-26T22:06:00.000-05:00

I can't bear it!!! I'm sad!!!! Really sad!! And i can't help it, i'm crying, i'm sad. Why did he do that???? Was it so bad??!! I'm sure there could have been another way out... i feel shit!!!
"Ich verlasse heut' dein Herz
Verlasse deine Liebe
Ich verlasse dein Herz, dein Leben
deine Küsse, deine Wärme
deine Nähe, deine Zärtlichkeit"
I can't stop crying!!!!! This shouldn't have happened, not this soon... why do i have such a bad luck??!!!! Why does this life hate me!!!! What have i done to deserve this shit??!!! I had all this amazing dreams and hopes about it!! And suddenly all of them are taken away from me!!! It's not fair!!!! I'm not angry i'm sad!! I have to stop this suffering!!! but how!! i can't!!! I want to be with him!! i love him!!! I just one my happines to last... at least just once!!!

"Suchte ich die Herrlichtkeit der Zweisamkeit
und fand nur die lächerliche Einsamkeit"

My fears are gone... my sadness is back

2004-06-26T21:06:00.000-05:00

All my fears related to the little boy are gone, but not precisely in the way i wanted them to go. Its really simples to explain the fact but not the feelings which came along:
He dumped me... just like that. He said he didn't want the commitment of having a girlfriend, he didn't want to do all which that implies, it means: call me everyday, be with me the whole day... and all that stuff. But it is nonsense, why? Easy: BECAUSE I'M NOT LIKE THAT!!!
I don't ask all of that, because i hate that kind of dependence. But he just imagine he had to do all of that, and got sick of it, although, like i said, i wasn't going to ask him all of that. Of course i would like him to call me, but if he doesn't and i really wanted to talk to him i would call him. Also with the "being together all the time" thing, i didn't ask him, that and neither was i going to. Anyway, he made his decision, so there's nothing else i can do, but mourn and weep a bit and keep on with everything else. Definitely i'll take a big break with love.
At the end i always get hurted, if not because of me, because of somebody else, but always hurted. I'm not going to stand it anymore, i don't have to. I know i always say so and never keep the promise, but this time i will, for my own sake. I want to this break to last at least until i go away from here, then it will start another story of my life.
I hate love, i really do... but i have to bear it all the time, because of my stupidity. Too bad for me, but i'll fight against it... or at least i'll try.

This one goes for you my friend...

2004-06-25T14:41:00.000-05:00

Maybe now you don't know i'm talking about you, but as long as you find out you're the only who knows this page, you may realize that this has precisely written for you.
(Too many "you's" in that paragraph jaja)

Anyway, let's get to the point. You may think i'm also blind (like you) because until today i didn't realize you had posted two comments, well it was only one but it said there were two, one deleted and one there jaja. Well the matter is that i just saw it today and it really hit me, not in a badly way but in a weird one. When i started reading what you wrote (after the first paragraph, the one with the explanation) i got this feeling, a nice but weird feeling. I really liked you telling me your thoughts about what i had written, it was great to get a friend's opinion, and even greater coming from you, one of my best friends (if not the best of all jeje). So all this is to thank you for writing to me, and telling me what you think and feel about what i think and feel..
And thank you for the comment about buying all my books jaja the first one may come out in a few months, so get your wallet ready jaja. Well, that was all i wanted to say to you:
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!
See you later... soon i hope.

PS: by the way, you still have something to tell me, remember!

Why am i always afraid??!!!

2004-06-25T14:13:00.000-05:00

Finally, i'm with the one i wanted, but there's a bit of a problem... i haven't told anyone, and i'm afraid to. But i don't even know why (like with all my other fears), maybe cause i think it's too much early after the other guy, and also maybe cause i'm may be criticized by hanging out with a 13(almost 14)-year-old boy... i know that in many ways he's still a child, but i really like him, i have a very good time with him... anyway i'm still afraid.
The other thing that frightens the hell out of me, is that we are already boyfriend-girlfriend, so i just don't want to hesitate no more, because that end up being the reason of breaking, and i don't want it to be this soon. I really want to last at least a couple of months with him... IT'S ALL I'M ASKING!! I have to trust myself and see what happens. Damn it just seem so difficult, and that's why i'm scared... i don't want to end soon with him, i really like him... (i have already said it twice, it must be something.. no, it may not)
I wish i just had someone i could talk about it without repressing my emotions or anything... i even had to lie to one of my best friends!!! Just because i was afraid of telling her the truth about him, that i like him and that we are already together.
Anyway, now i'm WITH him, so i have to enjoy it without worrying about it.. looks hard but i'll make it!.... hope so.

Zu viel... aber zu wenig!!!

2004-06-16T18:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes i see my life like through a glass to give me the chance to appreciate all the things this fucking life has given to me.. and i can see that i have too much to live for, i guess. Any way, sometimes i feel extremely worthless and i don't care about those things, i just want happiness fallen from the sky... which isn't gonna happen.
I'm a mess, no doubt about it... what the fuck am i doing?? I don't even know what the hell is going on with me!! I just have this feeling of being lost and going nowhere. I just want to do something that fills my life, but i feel it so goddamn empty! I want out of here, somehow... don't know! Why am i so scared of everything?? Sometimes i think i just want to be like those "risk-takers", those who doesn't care what's gonna happen next, they just do what they want... but for some reason i'm not like that... i'm always afraid of what may come next!!! That just sucks! I'm sick of being afraid!!! Fear has become a part of my life, and i don't want it to be here any longer... what is for me to do!! I wanna cry forever and don't give a shit about nothing!! I want to love, to dream, to write, to sing, to do what i like... without boundaries!!! But that's just not gonna happen.. it really sucks!! I SUCK!!
Well, i shall better be going, i don't want to get angry nor hate me.... i just hope it isn't too late...

Ya es hora de preocuparme... again

2004-06-15T19:47:00.000-05:00

Demonios!!! Al paso que voy nunca voy a llegar a ser escritora, soy un fracaso!!! Nunca hago nada en todo el dia y nomas no escribo, asi no voy a poder ni siquiera completar la publicacion del libro, se supone que debo tener aproximadamente 15 textos para elegir entre ellos, pero apenas llevo 10, y todavia me falta pasarlos corregidos, apenas llevo dos corregidos... y los otros son los que necesitan arreglos mas cabrones... buaaaaaa!!!!! En fin, solo me queda esperar a que encuentre el momento ideal para escribir, creo que los ultimos tendran que ser poemas cortos porque si no, no voy a terminar.
Lo de la cancion de wany y de inzunza ps creo que tendra que esperar jeje porque ya nada mas me quedan 2 o 3 veces de ir al taller para corregir textos y entregarlos para la publicacion... y todavia falte este lunes... no no no
En fin, ya vere que hago, por el momento tengo que disfrutar mis vacaciones jeje y ps ver que sucede con este tipo... "es cuestion de tiempo" Scheiße!!

Ya casi puedo morir feliz...

2004-06-15T17:07:00.000-05:00

El domingo fui a ver a Haggard.... no hay palabras suficientes para expresarme... realmente necesitaba liberar estres y toda la tension que traia. Estuvo excelente, realmente genial :D!!!! Si tuve pedos para entrar jejej pero a pesar de eso lo logre!! Tocaron como 2 horas, estuvo increible. Logre tener muchos autografos, fueron como 10 u 11 de los 17, no esta mal jeje y una foto con el guitarro!!!! Queria comprarme una camisa pero ya no pude... fue muy triste!! Pero ya despues me comprare una jeje a la mera cuando vaya a Lacrimosa!!!! Ya falta poco mas de un mes, ya no aguanto!!! Nomas que esta bien esperarme porque tengo jodido el cuello jejeje Insisto en que el concierto estuvo de huevos jajaja bueno pues lo dejare por la paz, por mi salud mental... ya no se ni que digo pero bueno..
YA QUIERO QUE SEA LACRIMOSA!!!! (pero antes que se arregle mi cuello jajaj)

Soy un desmadre!!!

2004-06-11T14:14:00.000-05:00

Tengo que escribir la rola que me pidio wany :S:S y no se ni como hacerla...
Tengo que escribir algo tambien para la rola de inzunza y tampoco se como!!!
Tengo que corregir los textos para el lunes!!!! Y lo peor..
TENGO QUE ESCRIBIR MINIMO OTROS 5!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhh voy a llorar... no tengo inspiracion, nada pero nada... y tengo que seguir pensando... aaaaaaaaaaaaaa que hueva!!! En fin, tarde o temprano tendre que hacerlo...
AAAA que coraje mi vida es un pinche desmadre, y tengo miles de cosas que hacer antes de arreglarla.. es el colmo.
Bueno ya que... en dos dias voy a disfrutar un concierto de huevos!! asi que ps ya despues me preocupare jejeje